Hello Flypaper!

Welcome back for your weekly dose of relationship advice from a nice guy

Our question this week comes from a lady who is tired of the “SpecialFriendSexIntimate” relationship.

Question:

What do you do about a guy who says he wants to be your friend, share intimate details about his life, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you and only wants to have sex with you? Should the woman still be friends with him or is it a waste if time especially if she doesn’t just want to have sex with him?

Answer

Hm, well, there are two ways this type of relationship can go. Most times these can go south really, really quick. The problem is getting caught is a cycle of 1. sex, 2. friendship, 3. fighting, 4. not talking for a while then 5. Speaking then 6. sex again. This cycle happens AFTER you’ve ended the initial agreement.

In hopes of preventing this destructive cycle, you must understand and do the following.

Last weeks post dealt with men sharing intimate details with their mistresses. This week’s question is, basically, he’s sharing intimate details with you but doesn’t want a relationship. Wow! This is two pieces of the puzzle coming together. What this means is that unfortunately he may have a relationship he may be keeping from you. Look for the signs, sex, intimate details, and no commitment. And I digress, In a perfect world, a great relationship would encompass trust, intimacy and commitment. The thing women misunderstand is the word commitment. If he’s in a “committed’ relationship and is with you on the side, then the relationship he’s in isn’t a “committed” one. So when you describe the situation, don’t refer to him as being in a committed relationship.

People who are committed to SOMETHING can be in that category.

This info is helpful because in your mind, when you refer to him, you should no longer say he is in a committed relationship because he ain’t committed to either one of you.

(Tip - That’s kind of like saying you like to date honest guys in cheating relationships. He’s not honest so don’t expect better when you get him.)

So he’s not good for her or you either. Now, back to the point! I say this because most of the time, you’ll find that these situations are usually with dudes that are in the relationship that he’s keeping secret. If you find that he’s in another relationship, (or when he admits it) then you have to face the reality that he won’t be committed to you either.

From this point on only refer to people who are committed as in a committed relationship. (If I had more time, I would go further, write me, or just wait for the book, coming soon!)

If it turns out he isn’t in another relationship then establish that what you have is exclusive. This mean he isn’t sharing intimate details or having sex, with any other “friends”. If you have exclusivity then titles really aren’t important.

The respect and trust are more important than the title. If he’s going to leave you, there’s no title that can make him stay. A person will be who they are, regardless of what title you place officially. Last thing is make sure you are planning some type of future. The difference between being a mistress he shares details with a woman he cares about is if you are included in his future plans. Don’t be a “bump” in the road.

So make sure that you two are

exclusive in information and intimacy
respectful of each other
You are interacting for the future and not for the moment.

Put a value on the sex by with holding it until some type of commitment understanding. If not, then leave. It’s easy to say, hard to do. But you have to protect yourself and your future. It may feel lonely at first but there is nothing worse than feeling lonely while being used as a chick on the side. Thanks, and have a nice day!